How to ask for what you want
- Fear of rejection
- You are not clear about what you want
- You don’t ask the right person
- You are not asking in the right way.
How to ask for what you want
Rather than going through each of the four problems, listed above, individually; I will focus on how you should ask for what you want. If you follow these steps when you ask for what you want, you will greatly increase your chances of getting of your way.1. Be specific about what you want.
If the other person does not understand what it is that you are looking for, then you did not really ask for what you want. When you ask for what you want, those whom you ask are crystal clear about what you want. They are then in a much better position to decide whether they can assist you or not. When you ask for what you want, make sure you are clear about:
- What you want
- When you want it
- How much you want
- Why you want it
2. Ask the right person
Would you ask your doctor to fix your car? I would hope not. You realise that your doctor is not the best person to fix your car and you know that you would have more luck if you were to ask your mechanic. The same principle should apply throughout your life i.e. ask somebody who is in a position to facilitate your request. If you do this, your success rate will dramatically increase.
Many people give up on their goals, not because their goal is unrealistic but because they got rejected when they asked the wrong person. When making an important request, it is worth taking a little extra time to determine the right person to ask, before you make your request.
3. Ask
You have the right to ask for what you want in life. It is important to remember that others also have the right to decline your request. When you demand, you are disrespecting the other person’s right to say ‘No’. You make it seem as though you give the orders and they must obey. This actually increases your chances of rejection as nobody wants to be bullied or harassed into doing anything.
It is not just your words that indicate whether you are asking or demanding; your body language is just as important. For example, my father used to have a habit of asking us to do something but he would then walk away before we could answer. If you don’t wait for an answer, you are just assuming that the other person will do as you say. That is not asking; that is demanding.
4. Don’t ask for more than you need at that time
If you ask somebody for too much in one go, you are more likely to receive a rejection. People are busy and they have a limited amount of time to spare. Ask yourself what you really need at that moment and ask for that. By all means, if they volunteer a little more, then feel free to accept the extra help.
5. What can you offer in return?
Nobody likes people who take, take, and take. There is good reason for that; you generally cannot trust them as they only think of themselves. Most people enjoy relationships and they are happy to help others. They understand that few relationships are completely equal and one person may give a little more than the other. However, when you make no effort to give anything back, no matter how small, people soon lose interest. In fact, most people have become so tired of selfish people that they won’t engage with people whom they even suspect of being like that.
Reciprocity is an amazing tool for building relationships and influence. Whenever you are preparing to ask for what you want, consider what you can offer in exchange. You can always go one step further. If you want to want to build a relationship with someone who may be able to help you in the future; why not offer to help them with something first?
6. Remember the basics
There are some basics of communication which go a long way. Saying ‘Hello’, ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’ can make a real difference but in general just being polite counts for a whole lot. I don’t normally read direct messages on Twitter (too much spam) but a couple of days ago; I was deleting some messages when I stumbled upon the following message:
‘You must be the most relaxed man on earth if you know everything about stress. I’d love to know how you promote yourself’
The lady in question never made any attempt to say hello or introduce herself. Had she taken this approach, the response may have been more favourable. As it was, I just deleted the message. Here are just some of the other reasons why:
- I am not a marketer so I am wary of offering marketing advice. What works for me may not work for others.
- There wasn’t actually a request, simply a statement about what she would like to know.
- She wasn’t specific. I do a heck of a lot of work trying to promote myself and I honestly would not have the time to explain it all. It would have been better if she asked for one specific piece of advice.
There are many people who have given me little pieces of advice along the way. I have also given, and enjoyed giving; advice to many people but there is a way to ask.
IF you want to improve your communication to get more of what you want from life, check out How To Talk So Others Will Listen.
If you want to progress in life, you have to be prepared to ask for what you want. When you ask for what you want, and you do so in the right way, you are more likely to achieve the results that you are looking for. Many people mistake wishful thinking for action but wishful thinking doesn’t achieve a whole lot for you. If you are not getting what you want from life, it may be time to overcome your fear of rejection, implement the 6 steps above, and start to ask for what you want. When you see the benefits you will be glad that you made the change. Image credit: Chance Agrella